3.3 How To Manage Difficult Conversations

Basics

"What you say 'yes' to will shape your day, but what you say *no* will shape your career." James Clear

Part of being a leader in your building is learning to say "yes" and "no" to things in the appropriate way. It can be hard to say no, especially when people can take it personally. You may be afraid that saying no will offend or anger your colleagues, or make you seem uncaring or selfish. You might fear rejection. confrontation or conflict that can result from saying no. 

In previous modules, we’ve already discussed how important it is to say yes whenever we can. With that being the foundation of customer service, there are times when "no" is the right answer.  We will explore how best to do that here.

You should know the following terms:

  • Handoff

Do you have to say no? 

Saying yes to everything means you are probably doing work that is not in your job description. This will often result in having unrealistic or unacceptable timelines for work completion. Both your work and your professional relationships will suffer in this situation. 

Receiving a request for help that should be directed to another person is an opportunity for you to teach your staff how they are best supported.  A brief conversation allows you to let them know who they should contact for that issue. This can go a long way to helping them understand how the support staff is a team with individual skills.

Just remember, when you are saying no to one task, you are saying yes to something else.

Deciding when to say no

In other situations when an issue is not something for another person, deciding when to say no can be hard.  In part, it is learning to read the situation and the people involved. This is especially true in "on-the-spot" requests that come from conversations in the hallway, often when you are working on another task. Some questions you can ask yourself to help decide:

  • Are you closing the door or opening it to new opportunities? Example: a staff member stops you with a request. If this person has never asked for help before, saying yes may give an opportunity to build a new relationship. If the person stops you every time you walk by their classroom, saying no may be closing the door to them taking advantage of you.

  • How long will it take to take care of the issue?  If it is a quick 20-second fix it may be worth taking care of immediately, instead of the time needed to leave (to complete your other task) and then walk back to deal with it later.

  • What is the priority of the current task are you working on? If it is a high or emergency priority you should not interrupt it to take on another issue.

How to say no

How can you say no in a way that does not damage relationships?  Here are some tips that help make it easier to say no.

  • Briefly explain why you are saying no. Most people are understanding if they understand why you can’t complete their request.

  • Reframe the "No" using positive language. Saying no without using the word is a tactic that often needs to be practiced.  It is most successful when you can include an alternative solution.

  • Politely ask which tasks you should delay work on. Many times administrators or teachers do not know what your job entails and the many tasks you are responsible for. When you frame it correctly, they should be able to see that you can't add another task to your plate right now without reprioritizing other duties. 

  • Give a task to the person. If your current task is not a time-involved one, give them an appropriate task to do until you return. Some examples: powering down everything; moving books/papers that are in the needed space; shifting furniture.  

  • Ask them to complete a helpdesk ticket. This allows you to reassure the person that the issue will be prioritized and addressed. 

  • Reference appropriate FAQ documentation. If your district has some FAQ or other documentation to help teachers self-solve some problems, refer them to that documentation. 

If you notice a pattern of the same question/issue being asked a significant number of times and it is something anyone on staff can solve, you may want to consider creating documentation to share out to increase the number of people that can help with that issue. 

Throughout your day you may have to say no many times.  Remember to make sure every staff member gets the same level of attention, willingness, and problem-solving focus, even at times your own frustrations are high and patience may be lacking.

Creating smooth handoffs

Sometimes there are tasks that need to be handed off to others for a variety of reasons. Communication is a key to making such handoffs smooth. Clearly share the documentation of what is being handed off to who, when this is happening and why; include who should be contacted (even if it is still you) if they have questions going forward. This will eliminate the frustration staff can field if they feel "out of the loop" or "in the dark" about what help they are receiving in solving their issues. 

Here are additional resources you may find useful:

Complete the following task or self-assessment:

Document some situations where you or others in your department had to say no. 

  • Reflect on the response and emotions of the person being told no: how did they react to it? 
  • Either on your own or in a dialogue with a teammate, come up with several examples of what you might say in a future similar situation.